Self-Transformation: My Birthday Wish

Having been through so many transformations in the last 36 years, I must say 2012 has been the biggest and has been the most impactful on my BEing.

I recall being tired toward the end of 2011 because all the time I had here, I had not done what I was supposed to do. I got caught up in the death throes of the world.

Regardless, I was never “left alone”, I called, my God showed up, I was “rescued”, I praised us, and walked back into the valley.

Well, this time I called. Silence. I pleaded. Silence. O crap. I thought, “Whatever, You probably don’t exist anyway, all that was ME!” I became sick. I had a heart attack. When I touched people, I caught a fever. I argued with everyone and about everything. I was far off frequency.

Any project I touched, soured and never came to fruition. I couldn’t see people for who they were, so I latched to trust those who presented as light, but got me in corners that I had to fight my way out of—sometimes literally. My gifts were gone.

I was cut off. The phone stopped ringing, the invites stopped, I was cold all the time, even to the touch. With TWO degrees I couldn’t find a job! I was tired and would sleep for days and nights at a time. My daughter would ask for her mommy I’d say, “I am your mommy.” And she would say, “You not my mommy!”

I had an affair with a married man (yes we’re even responsible for our ignorance (lack of information)) and that catapulted myself straight to hell. Ladies! When I tell you the pain and ridicule was indescribable…I mean it!!! It isn’t a hell where you are attacked by righteousness others; you are attacked by others like your self! I didn’t know that at the time though…they presented themselves as righteousness because I was the newest one in hell at that time. They were already there. Gossiping. Their jealousy came from their thinking that I was acting as if I was too good to be around them.

I COULD NOT SEE MY WRONG! I LOST MYSELF! MY GOD HAD TURNED AWAY! I broke my commitment to God.

Just like heaven has its qualifications to be amongst likeness, so does hell. But where do you go when you’re too good for hell and not good enough for heaven?

I grappled in the darkness, I used drugs to get up and to lay down. I was a prescription addict for muscle relaxants and Tylenol 3. I’d go about mySelf high on marijuana—thinking no one could tell. Very few people knew—it didn’t matter if no one knew. God knew.

It got so bad, I would be walking down the street and strangers would make statements, “I see you!” or “Your head is uncovered.” One time it was raining and this old lady walked up to me, I lifted my umbrella and she said, “Where are you supposed to be?” I was freaked. I never turned around to see where those people went. I already knew.

I still called mySelf paranoid swearing. Whatever you heard, I heard different. And whatever you saw I saw different. People wearing white robes. And even on the clock. Every time I looked, it said 11:11, or 1:11, 2:11, 3:11 and on…to the T. Someone was trying to get my attention. I refused to answer because I was stubborn. Yet, I yearned to be home again. I cried like a baby when I was alone.

Let me tell you, I wasn’t in church at the alter, as I had done many times since I was a child—first forced. I wasn’t on my knees praying nor was I reading my bible. When Christ came to me, I was on a date. You know, a man/woman date. I was single still.

It wasn’t until after my re-membrance in Christ that I realized, “Prepare your home, and keep my word. I’m coming to you like a thief in the night…only God knows your appointed hour. You’ll know me when I come unto you.” The Light is extraordinary…I was covered in it. Everything was.

My date was an atheist. God came through that man and told me stop second-guessing mySelf, to trust mySelf.

I moaned and cried and my body was in pain for days and nights. I ate only bread and water for three days and nights. God was working on me. That was 1/7/12.

Throughout this year, my faith, my strength, my love, and trust in mySelf, in Christ, and in God has grown and solidified tremendously. I refuse to condemn mySelf under man’s ignorance. I look back and can see how far I’ve walked because I see very little of my old self left.

Heaven’s army has put as much work into me as I was willing to put into mySelf. There were times when I thought I didn’t have the courage to cross the thresholds presented to me, I still had fear so I could not cross over. I did allow others doubts in their minds, beliefs and beings hinder my own Self progress, but God is patient, as I am still a human. Now I listen, I respect, I converse, and I keep moving on my path. I be aware of mySelf over all elses. I received my “gifts” back and more.
Only recently, I had a few dollars and thought I’d spruce up my home. I dreamed mySelf somewhere in the future doing some big things. The thought came to me that there is no future. There is only NOW. So when I woke up, I played on the idea all day; it was later that night that after I wrote an article. The light bulb came on.

The idea came to me, “Buy your wordpress domain now.” I was exxcited! Today, as of my birthday, I’m a certified owner of nine domains. My house still needs sprucing, but it’ll happen in its time. I sponsored my idea. God taught me to don’t sit around waiting for the future; BE in NOW. I have no idea what to do with all of the sites, but when the idea comes to me—I’m on it! In the meantime, I work on them. To empower you unto yourSelf. Bless

You may say anybody can do that, I say yes but can everybody be successful in Christ? I asked for forgiveness unto mySelf, I forgave all who abused mySelf in any way. I couldn’t move forward if I didn’t. I put in truth work with mySelf and others to get here and I’ve been transformed. I’m washed and prepared and dressed in Christ.

I work in the universe, for God. So do many of you, you just have to acknowledge, that it IS and has been God all along who runs this whole function. Not you by yourself, not me by myself. Not governments. God, Self, Spirit—together makes the whole BEing human a miracle.

I’m thankful, grateful, awesome and Lord knows, I do some nonsense to my Self again—-well I’m not. I love mySelf too much. I love God even more. My God is merciful and glorious, forgiving all loving yet stern in will.

So here it is, my last birthday in the Age of Pisces. I’m moving into a peaceful, all-loving state. Age of Aquarius. The world is all kinds of experiences, and mother earth herself, withstood mans nonsense. She’s shaking it off and moving up. Many humans are shaking it off and moving up.

You know, someone asked me recently, “How do you know it’s GOD speaking to you though?” I could’ve quoted the whole bible, and brought the spirit forth, and he STILL wouldn’t have believed me! That’s how the world works! Even in our seemingly holy friends, who jump about in church, and throw their hands up only in a crowded room, on one day of a week–THERE too, sits temptation to give up on ourSelves! God does NOT temp us! God IS and IS NOT. There is no in between…like today you feeling Godly but yesterday God was tempting you…NO! You were tempting yourSelf! So you FEEL like you want to tempt another! You can’t be anybody on their own path just because you want to glorify yourself. Some folk have wounds so deep and some have only scraps in the world. Be patient with your Self.

You can’t ACT Godly…well you can but why when you can BE Godly? I use to act Godly when I was in the world and folk who was acting just as foolish loved it! And when you don’t say a certain word or run find something in scripture (or better yet, you find a scripture that goes AGAINST YOUR moral beliefs) or they just didn’t get the holy ghost on cue..and their foot just didn’t have that extra step like the pastor’s…..you know! You hear folk saying, “That’s not how God acts!”, or “The devil is a liar!” Well of course the devil’s a liar…and you get credit for pointing that out! Put you lack tools to upright your brethren! Live your truth! If you believe that your truth isn’t God….so be it! Still every knee will bow and every tongue will confess.

Many of us can explain religion, but can we explain God? The prophets and teachers and messengers come to warn you, bring you into awareness of your BEings, against yourSelf and against God; you fear yet you still indulge. We come to show you the way back unto the light. If you continually quote John’s experience, or Paul’s, or any other and sitting around waiting for those same exact things to happen to you, what can you say you’ve done with YOUR life? Besides wait? Come out of the church buildings, sitting and waiting and BE the church. God is for ALL. ALL has his works.

I’m so satisfied with everything, if I died, I’m still waking up in heaven. I just beat y’all to the punch on housing! Lighten up. Death is a part of living life.

Seriously though…take it how you want to but my truth is God exists…and only in hell would we forget the very essence of our spirits. Happy birthday to me. My wish is for you to find your way back. I love you, so does Jesus Christ, his team, and so does God.
Bless