Last night, I dreamed I went into my past. There was this apartment (actually, it looked like a combination of my first three apartments) that was mostly dark and a few males were there, and some friends, lying around watching television, hanging outside the apartment, smoking weed and cigarettes. I went into the bedroom and there were dressers and closets everywhere. For the strangest reason no one wanted me to go near them, but I felt a need to look at what was inside.
I opened the drawers and saw things of mine. I opened the closets and saw things of mine (I don’t know how I knew they were but they were). They were some of the most expensive silk clothing pieces with the most amazing patterns and colors hanging in the closets. The dressers held my personal things and jewelry that lit up the room. I couldn’t believe my things were stored in such a dark place! The men kept trying to keep me from looking through everything. I got a bag and began taking my belongings back. I started feeling a sense of freedom and power with every item I picked up and put in the bag. People started to disappear or walk out.
There was a man there who came and sat at my feet. I looked in the mirror and caught his eyes staring at me, they were the blackest eyes but they were shiny in my light. He tried to distract me with his physical self, and my body began to sway, and then he got behind me. I attempted to move my body away from him but he leaned on me and his body was heavy. I said, “No.”, and he disappeared. I prepared to leave with my bag, and I woke up.
I thought on the dream while lying there staring at the ceiling. I thought about how my things lit up the dark room and how powerful I felt touching my belongings again. AGAIN?! Then it hit me! I realized what was happening and I couldn’t believe it but I did. I didn’t come into this world filthy and full of sin. I was good until I caused mySelf to be distracted by the physical-ness of man and ALLOWED him to take anything he wanted of me. What a revelation!
Over the last few days, I’d been praying somewhere between a fog and being awake. Not necessarily on my knees but wherever I may be sitting, standing, and even in my bed. I was asking to be shown what I did with wrong mySelf in all these years, and where did I lose mySelf at.
It’s strange how I found a part of mySelf stuck in some dark apartment somewhere “guarded” by some lowly beings. Honestly, you know what I thought? “How the fuck could I have allowed mySelf to even lay with such filthy creatures?!” I’m not regretful, becaused I asked. That means I was ready to face my mistakes. I don’t have a feeling to sit in regret. God knew it would happen and was happening, I just had to find mySelf and realize for mySelf what I was doing, and clean mySelf up and get back right with God. After my realization moment I walked around my house in the dark. I drank some water and found my way to the couch and prayed. Afterward, I went back to sleep.
I dreamed that I attempted to team up with some women that I know in this world, to create a childcare business. It was more like I was watching mySelf. I watched how the women teamed up behind my back to figure to get more money without me knowing and would eventually cut me out of the business. Then I was on a staircase that led off to both the left and the right. I don’t know where they led to, but I had to make a decision. I woke up.
This morning I observed mySelf, “I’m floating around here feeling completely light-headed. I turn my head; everything has to catch up with my view. Granted I have a lil nasty cold but this is unusual, I feel so light. Yesterday I thought I felt the ground move under my feet.” I broke out in tears crying and asked God for forgiveness. It really sucks that I was so distracted from my path. God is a good God to show me where I went wrong and who wronged me, I wanted to know—I needed to know. Some of my past boyfriends have asked me to forgive them in dream-state and in wake state. I just always said ok. I’d always blamed myself anyway for being so stupid for being with them. But I realize now, that if nobody does anything wrong but ourselves, who or what is the point of forgiveness?
Now I truly can forgive others without them even being present. Honestly, I couldn’t forgive anyone without knowing what I was forgiving them for. The process is to look at what of our highest expressions were prevented from manifesting, or taken from our Being after we REALIZE who we are being at present is REVEALED to us. As we gather back the different aspects of ourselves, and come back into our own true Self, we ask FORGIVENESS and forgive every transgression against ourselves and God. Otherwise, we spend our whole lives doing what others are doing, and matching Jones’s and being competitive and will end up in nothingness.
As much as I want to be around others and have a great social time and even become into a personal relationship with a man—it just isn’t God’s will at this time. I’m cleaning my life up so I cannot be jumping back and forth over the fence. I won’t be tempted to do anything outside of my Self, even if I never have another friend in this world. There’s a whole new life for me somewhere else (yet it’s my old life at the same time), in some other time. I fell somewhere through something, into this nonsense. I really don’t want to go back home with any “lowly vibrations” of this world.
After revelation is realization and then forgiveness. After my wrong was revealed to me, I realized I had gone against God and I asked for forgiveness of me and all my past selves.. I also forgive whoever knowingly and unknowingly wronged me against my God. Bless